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CreativeParents
CONVERSATIONS
BETWEEN
MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS
What Moms Say:
What Kids Hear
My
mother claimed that she didn’t believe in praising her children.
While she was an otherwise enlightened woman, Mom attributed her perspective
to old world superstition – saying that praising a child meant tempting
fate. While I envied friends whose mothers seemed to gush over their every
move, they argued that that too had its downside. And, to my
amazement, some of these friends never fully heard the positives their
mothers heaped on them, since a mother’s criticism drowns out the
accolades.
Reading
Deborah Tannen’s “Your Wearing That?” raises
the question of what children want to hear from their moms; what
moms most often provide; and how what mothers say is actually heard by
their kids. While some of the issues Tannen discusses, such as hairstyle
and clothes, are mom-daughter specific, many of the book’s observations
apply to mothers and sons, to spouses, and even to dads.
The
bottom line is that children want approval and acknowledgment from their
parents and that parents want to guide, advise, direct, protect and improve
their children. A daughter will interpret her mother’s often well-intended
suggestions and comments as disapproval – hence the title of the
book. Even when mothers think they are adopting a neutral tone
of voice, daughters can read the intended message. The mother herself
may not be totally aware of what she is conveying between the lines–
but as children we are master translators and interpreters. I remember
having arguments with my mother in which she declared innocence of any
underlying directive –“ that’s not what I meant
“ – but I knew that she had an agenda… no matter how
much she was trying to hide it from to me, and perhaps even from herself.
My son claims to be able to detect my agenda, even when I insist (and
believe) I don't have one. Subtext is powerful, and once we’ve learned
our parents' perspectives we become masters at identifying their point
of view in the subtlest inflection-- in what is said, and not
said.
Tannen
suggests how both mothers and daughters can become more aware of the dynamic
underlying their conflict. What often leads a mom to comment on her daughter’s
hair, weight and clothes is that she identifies with her daughter -- and
sees the daughter as a reflection of herself, moving -- beyond her control
– out into the larger world. (And don’t we women do that with
other family members, too, -- feeling that a carelessly ironed shirt or
uncombed head tells the world we’re not doing our job.) So as moms
we need to disengage a little and let daughters be themselves. It would
also help if we mothers were more direct. As women we are often taught
to couch our thoughts to make them more acceptable. Not always
a bad thing to do – and sometimes helpful. However, daughters understandably
get miffed when mothers don't own up to their messages. Either say it
or rethink it -- but don’t try to slip it in subliminally.
As
for daughters – it would help for us to realize that a mother’s
comments are mostly born out of caring and the desire to protect (mom
thinking -- “better I should tell her this than a stranger…”)
Daughters can recognize that moms have been trained to protect, advise,
etc. and see it as their unwritten job description. And we daughters can
be at least a little empathetic to an element of comparison, and even
competition, that moms feel but rarely admit – that seeing a younger
model with an uncharted future raises a mix of feelings -- from hope (that
she won't repeat my mistakes) to envy. There aren’t any easy answers,
but “Your Wearing That?" will help everyone who’s
ever had, or been, a mother reconsider the power of language.
by Istar Schwager,
Ph.D. - for CreativeParents.com
copyright 2006 Dr. Istar Schwager. All rights
reserved
How do you and your mom get
along? Share your strategies for mother-daughter dialogue! -- let
us know.
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